The ghost you forgot about

 

              The ghost you forgot about

I sit on the bench, and I watch you sitting not that far away from me. I see the tears that are falling from your eyes on the ground underneath you. I see your fingers running over the stone with the inscription and all I want is to go up to you to hug you and tell you everything is going to be alright. But I can’t. I can’t because I’m dead.

It is my grave you are sitting in front of. I feel your sorrow, see your pain as you place the last flower and whisper the weekly goodbye.

You think as soon as you’re away from the graveyard nothing of me will be left, but my greatest dear, let me promise you I have never left you since the day we met.

Your presence makes me feel alive, makes me be seen although I’m dead and a ghost wandering around. You my love, you make the death worth dying for.

I’m the one kicking little stones away you do not see so you don’t trip over them, I’m the one who throws himself in front of you when your cup of coffee falls to the ground so your white blouse would remain clean and you think it’s a miracle, I’m the one who shows you the endless charm of sunsets.

So, I’m sitting on the edge of your bed, looking at you and admiring your never-ending beauty when you get the phone call.

The person on the other line is too quiet to understand them, but I do hear you. I would hear your voice miles away in a thunderous storm among other thousand of voices.

You sigh and agree to something reluctantly.

Suddenly you stand up and grab your shoes and jacket. Your shoes and my jacket. The jacket I have always worn. This ugly brown leather jacket.

Where are we going?

We are walking around ten minutes. I’m walking on the side of the street in case you trip. I grab your hand, I know you can’t see it, can’t hear it, you can’t feel it. I can.

I can feel your soft skin, I can hear your calm breathing, smell your sweet perfume, can almost taste it when I inhale the air around you.

We walk by a little coffee shop, a guy, sitting at the window front spots you, smiles, and waves.

You put on a smile as well, and step into the café.

I know him, you are in the same history class. I had chemistry with him. Go and talk to him, I’m sure you will become great friends.

I see you sitting down, there is no third chair, so I just take place at another table. Acting like it would matter, acting like something would happen if someone sat down in that chair.

The little bell above the green entrance rings again as an old lady enters the room. No one else seems to notice so I give her a smile. To my surprise she smiles back, looking at me. I turn my head around to see if someone sitting behind me is smiling as well but there is no one else.

She greets me with a slight nod and sits down in the opposite chair of a table where an old man sits. He looks sad, you can clearly see his eyebags and his gaunt face. The lady lays her hand on top of his, but he does not seem to react. That’s when I realized, she was the same as me.

Your laughing distracts me from the scene. Your- laughing. My head flies around to see you trying to stop it, but the smile is still there. It is the first time I have heard you laughing since I passed away.

Something inside me contracts. It feels like heartache, but I can’t tell why. I should be incredibly grateful that the sunshine in you returns.

The sunshine in contrast to the pouring rain that started outside. The rain we always danced in, the rain where we first kissed, the rain in which we laughed until our tummies ached.

Both of you stand up, he invited you. That’s…nice. You leave the café together and he offers you to stand under his umbrella.

You agree and it seems like the smile does not want to leave your face.

What even is he doing anymore? You had a nice meetup and now it’s time to go home.

I must detect that he walks with you the whole ten minutes to your house before he says goodbye.

The evening is the same as always. Your daily routine makes me smile as I watch you doing your face masks and brush your teeth at the same time.

You grab your blanket and grab the Teddy to your right, and you press it to your body, hugging it. It’s the one I gifted you on your birthday. We joked about doing activities we did when we were kids and you told me I was silly when I recommended going to “Build a Bear”. I stayed stubborn and created a Teddy just for you, we put his heart in together.

I watch you sleep peacefully and even if you don’t see it, I make the stars shine extra light for you tonight.

The days pass by and I notice how you hang around this guy more and more. You two have met again in that coffee shop and even in university, you talk a lot. I am glad to see that you get along that well. I’m glad that you get along so well again.

We’re at the graveyard again. You brought me tulips and you talk to that stone which can’t answer you even if you wish for it. Even if it is my desire to scream at you that I am here, that I know about it all, that I still exist.

You leave earlier today.

Only the next day we’re sitting in the park with him again. You know that I was never the jealous type but something inside of me feels uncomfortable when I watch you two. He gives you a compliment like many men did before him but your answer was always the same. I’m sorry, my boyfriend passed away a while ago. He will get over it, my love.

You- you return the compliment? He grabs your hand. Why are you- why are you locking your fingers with his? Why-

I notice a flickering in me. Something is wrong.

I’m sitting here outside that restaurant you and he are in; I don’t remember what has happened since yesterday. Every memory is blurry, every thought dizzy. It is November and yet, I do not feel the cold on my skin.

You two are leaving, he paid again. With fast steps, I go towards you to grab your hand, and as I do I notice how I don’t feel it. I no longer sense your touch, no longer can smell or taste your perfume.

I don’t even feel the first snow of the year falling down on me.

But as I thought I had lost all my senses I clearly see him kissing you in the snow, seeing you returning the kiss and I clearly feel my heart break. I can feel how I die a second time.

And then I realize, it is selfish of me to think so. You are happy again. And I am happy that you are, but it is not without a tinge of pain.

You didn’t visit my grave the next week, I would like to tell you but instead, I stay silent, watching you and your new boyfriend how you run around in the snow. Your laughs fill my heart, and, at this moment, it feels like it gets put together again. I loved my life because you were in it, and I know that you will love me for a long time still since the teddy has not left your bed, but it is time for me to move on, move on like you did. I know you won’t visit the grave in the next weeks as well and I know that I am a memory of you now. I hope he treats you well, I whisper as I turn away and leave the place, leave her.

A month and a half have passed now, I feel tired, weak, even though I don’t think I am supposed to feel anything anymore. It’s Christmas, a candle next to my grave by a good friend of mine gives it some sort of ambiance. Suddenly I hear steps, then a voice. As soon as I heard the first tone, my head flies around. You dyed your hair. Your eyebags are gone. But your face is the same. The face I could look at for hours and eternity, the eyes I drowned in and the lips I have kissed and your ears which always listened when I told you how much I love you.

You let go of his hand, and with the other one you lay down the most splendid bouquet of flowers I have ever seen. Your boyfriend follows you and he tells you that he really liked me although he didn’t know me well. He sounds honest. You grab his hand again and together you sit down like you always used to do.

I sit on the bench, and I see you sitting not that far away from me. I see the soft smile which is emerging on your face when you look down at the flowers on the ground underneath you. I see your fingers running over his hands and all I want is to go up to hug you and tell you that I will be alright. But I can’t. I can’t because I’m dead and gone.