Storm of sunshine

Storm of sunshine

When I first caught your gaze, the way how you looked at me, it wasn’t even in person. It was on the phone, on that stupid little screen which always stopped because of anyone’s Wi-Fi. We always argued about whether it is your bad Wi-Fi or mine, but we laughed things off.

You were the one who made me feel okay about the way I am, made me feel okay about myself. You showed me the positive aspects of my negative thoughts and always found a silly joke to change the colour of my clouds in my head.

You were the one who made me feel okay about my past since you always said that you’d understand me. I believed you because I thought our clouds were the same.

You were the first one after everything who made me feel okay.

I know I had to resist to that feeling you gave me, all my friends said that it wasn’t right, was the opposite, was wrong.

So I tried to ignore it, spoke to myself that it wasn’t right, tried to influence myself in not falling for you.

But that’s the funny thing about love, it is an uncontrollable thing.

I caught myself looking at those stupid TikTok trends where little kids write matching letters together and predict their future, my fingers want to skip but my heart was leading my eyes to your letter.

It’s a funny thing that exactly that night my algorithm decided to show me tarot card videos which surprisingly mirrored our situation. My situation, I didn’t know you were falling for me too.

And then you stood in front of me, you were smaller than I thought but screens can be tricky sometimes. But you were amazing. You had this charisma that would light up a whole crowd if you would have been brave enough to speak up. But you didn’t.

That day was the start of the end.

You were drunken on the phone, telling me things I couldn’t explain to myself, you offered me so much and then you texted me the forbidden words. The words I swore to never see or hear from any of us.

I told you that it would all go wrong, but you didn’t want to listen. I predicted this future, but you didn’t want to believe me.

Your clouds got darker while mine went away and sunshine replaced them. Sun burns you after a while and so did mine. I was, I am burned, but I’m still in the sunshine and I see your argument that a sunburn is sometimes worse than a thunderstorm, but I can control a sunburn, not a thunderstorm.

And while your clouds got darker, you started treating me wrong. You started to use your clouds to cover up my sunshine and I thought it was fair because I was afraid that I might burn you too.

You took my sunshine away and I will never forgive you for that.

And not only did you want to take it away from me, no, you even tried to give me your clouds so I would deal with them. And that is everything but fair.

I tried everything to teach you how to create sunlight and how to handle the heat, but you didn’t listen. You never really listened to me. You always said you will always listen to what I say but you just pretended.

And as soon as I open up to give you at least a little bit of my inner sunshine you have the audacity to take it all for yourself. But what was even worse, is that you blamed me for doing it. You blamed me for your rain clouds you already had before meeting me and in the next sentence you say sorry and beg me to stay.

Now I realize you only wanted me to stay because I was the source of endless sunshine for you. But you didn’t use that light to be a balance to me, you used it to fight the undefeatable thunderstorm.

Your words weren’t poems like you always said, your words are poison. Everyone who gets in touch with them will slowly fall deep into that darkness you have created. And you my dear wonder why everyone is getting away from those thunders and is running towards the sunshine.

The truth is, you are alone. You are alone and you hate it.

And you don’t want to see your fault, you deny everything and anything that has to do with you. No, it was not your fault, no it is not your problem, no, no, no.

It is.

You’ve created your own hell and you’re not even trying to grow your own sunshine in yourself because you are blinded by that biting arrogance in you.

And I already told you, but I don’t hate you. I just feel incredibly sorry for you.

I am sorry that you have turned out like this, I am sorry that I, and all these other bright sunshine’s have failed to help you. But the warm months also have an end, and the cold season begins somewhere. That is when you are all on your own.

I bet you would look at me differently now. Your gaze would be full of hatred because I was telling you the truth you didn’t want to hear.

It is funny how love and hate have such a thin line that is so easy to cross.

You will get lost in the storm and I won’t be the light guiding you through.

I need to protect my precious sunshine.